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[February 15, 2010 | 03:55 PM] So. I have been thinking about something that is kind of dumb to be bummed about, but it makes me feel like I have missed out. I see all these girls who have their little group of really close girlfriends who go out together, shop together, and all that fun stuff. I dont have that and I feel like maybe I must be socially awkward or that there is just something wrong with me. I wish I had that kind of friendship where I have a group I can always turn to. Maybe I just push people away or just dont make the effort to go out with the friends I have. All I know is that I feel the need to have that. I do feel as though when I do have that group of friends the people I pick arent very nice to me. So it is a lose lose situation. I guess that is it for today.

[February 16, 2009 | 12:55 PM] [ mood | nostalgic ] There was something that some what made me realize how dependent we are to technology. I was in a store the other day and I was looking for some stationary. I searched high and low for it, but to my surprise all I could get my hands on were blank note cards. I could not wrap my head around the concept of the store not having stationary paper so I could write a nice long note/letter for Eric. I guess the romantic idea of letters has found itself tangled with in text messaging and email. Where is the romance in that? I do not know about anyone else, but a handwritten note seems more personal than that of a generic style email. I mean, yes the content is still personal, but the novelty is just not the same. I like being able to see the writer's handwriting because it gives some insight into who the person is. Also it's just nice to physically have. I feel the same way about photos too. It is so easy to get rid of pictures from past relationships with just one click. I find that some what sad because not many people make photo albums anymore or just have to physical picture right there in front of them. Technology has kind of killed the personal creative way to keep memories and to express how someone feels. I think it is some what sad that it has ended up this way... Sorry for a ridiculous rant.. it just kind of bothered me.

It's been a while.. [February 02, 2009 | 02:47 PM] [ mood | thankful ] So, it has been a while since I last posted on here. For once in my life I feel that I truly can say I love myself and I am happy with my life all together. I have not been this happy, god, in I do not know how long. I have to say a good 5 or 6 years. I rekindled an old friendship three months ago that I am so happy about. Three years ago I was falling hard for Eric and it was like three years did not even happen when I first saw him after all that time. It's so weird to think I have known Eric for 9 years, it's mind boggling. It is nice since I feel for once in my life that I can be me and not have to put on a show or try and impress him in anyway. I am just happy that he found his way back into my life since he's everything I have been looking for. I have thought that I have felt really close to other people I have dated, but this, it could never be this way with anyone else. It probably doesnt help that I have known him for almost half of my life and we were once really close. I just cannot even begin to describe how happy he makes me. It's nice not having to feel obligated to hangout with him and I want/ enjoy spending time with him. I just cannot see myself with anyone else. I am more me and I think it has something to do with him knowing when I am not the Sara that has always been happy.. With that said, my parents, friends, and the rest of my family have noticed a big change in the way I am. They say I am the fun, whitty, and out going Sara that they all know and love. My mom sat me down and told me she has not seen me this happy or like my old self in about 3 or 4 years. Which makes sense to me because I have been battling with finding myself and being comfortable being me. Lucky for me there have been a lot of things that have happen in the past year that helped me realize what I want out of life and who I really am. Also, I got a good life lesson out of not letting someone walk all over me. It was a real eye opener. I finally feel like I have direction in my life. I am not a freaking mess and letting someone try and tell me what I should do with my life. It's a nice change to feel so happy and relieved about everything. I would not change this experience for anything because I know what is worth holding on to and what is not. I am so much more focused on school, myself, and having a good time with friends and family. I just cannot describe how comfortable I feel about my life and where ever it may take me. I guess that is my rambling for today....

Life is a Learning Process... [November 14, 2008 | 11:09 AM] [ mood | hopeful ] I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past couple of weeks and I have come to the realization that I had not been myself for a while. I just felt some what I don't  know,  I guess I don't really know how to put it into words. I've been told by a lot of people that I was so Blah and not my normal funny witty self. Now they all have said that they have seen a big change in my personality; pretty much I'm my old self but I guess more confident. Four or five years ago I was really headed off the deep end. I know people around me had noticed it. I guess everything became better when I started my relationship, I had meaning in life. I guess once I was told I needed to change thats when things started to slip. I was pretty much in shock because I thought I was fine the way I was. I tried to change myself because I thought that this was what I needed for the rest of my life and realistically I was not inlove with myself. I think it all started to really come to a harsh reality a few weeks ago... When someone else was brought into the picture on the other end  of things it just goes to show that things were not the same between us and that it was time to move on. I do not like to sit around and waste time while someone else is having a "nothing relationship" with someone else, but I was trying to talk myself into it and feeling that this was right. Deep down I knew it was over.  I think we both needed to move on and see what else is out there. I think we both had our good times and enjoyed what we had together, but I think towards the end we were both grabbing at straws trying to cling on to a relationship that started to fizzle. Deep down inside I knew it was not going to work out. I'm ok with that because I will always have fond memories of what was. The saying goes.. you never forget your first and I know I won't. I have grown a lot in the past year and I have really come to realize that I am happy with the way my life is. I'm happy just being by myself and I'm really just ok with the fact of that. For the first time in my life I really truly think that I am confident in myself and that I love myself. I have a great group of friends that I have neglected and I feel horrible for doing so, since they were practically family to me and I'm happy to have the relationship that I do with my parents. I know they tend to baby me sometimes, but they are looking out for my best interest and they know me too well. haha. I'm just going to focus on what I need to in life and if anything else happens or comes out of all of this. I will be fine with that. I guess thats all I have to write about for now.

What an Old Saying, But so Very True. [October 25, 2008 | 11:20 AM] They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  It is definitely true. But any who... I read my horoscope today and it was kind of weird.  It said there are tasks at hand that I need to change. I cant just sit and analyze them. If I want the results and outcomes I'm looking for, change has to be right away.I believe that is true. I usually take my horoscope with a grain of salt, but there are times when it can be right on the money. I notice that I dont write on here as much as I use to. I guess I dont want most of the stuff going on plastered every where, like I did once before. I guess I did a lot of growing up since then. lol.  Not a whole lot a whole lot. I realized on friday while I was talking to my parents that I somewhat still let them control my life. They make me fear being on my own (my dad mostly). I know he's just looking out for my best interest, but I'm 21. I received a package in the mail for a silpada representative job just to do once a week. My father first says to me, " That's an idiotic move on your part. I'm telling you that you should not do that." Then I had info on a student Bank of America Credit card. I would only use it in emergency and make sure I have a small limit on it. Again my father says, "No. There is no way you are getting a credit card. You will ruin your credit. I know you will." Then with me moving out he has some different excuse on why I can't. I know that he does not want to see me hurt or financially ruin myself, but I need to experience things on my own. I guess my problem is I am so intimidated by my father that I am afraid to go ahead with this stuff against his wishes. I know I'm his daughter and I know he's trying to look out for me, but I feel this is just hindering me from growing up and make decisions on my own. I never realize I run things by my parents and then let their view sway me. I'm 21 but when it comes to my father I'm still that dumb naive 16 year old that he constantly fought with. When I was younger, yes I did a lot of things to rebel against him, but now I just want to get some learning experiences. He always has some way of saying something to stop me from going through with a big change. Maybe I should have moved on campus to get some life learning and to learn how to take care of myself without my parents going over every little detail. This whole being babied is really starting to effect other aspects of my life. I think for once I have been able to pin point why a lot of things have stressed me out and realize what I'm letting my father do to me. He is so controlling. I'm glad I finally had one of many awakenings that I feel I'm going to have over a short span of time.

I feel like I'm going through a Quarter Life Crisis. [July 16, 2008 | 07:28 AM] I haven't written on here in a while. I guess I really don't know what to write about.. except for I hate feeling so down about myself. I feel like I am weak and I cave in too soon. I guess I'm just tired of people making me feel like I am not that attractive and that I am not good enough. I hate being seen as the bad guy because I interept something different. I can only imagine what is being said about me and how much of a "crazy bitch" I'm being. I am fucking sick of feeling like everyone talks about me behind my back and then when they see me that I'm their favorite person. I get that vibe from alot of people. I feel like I am so alone sometimes and no one understands me, not even the people I thought I know would. I'm working on myself more, but I feel like it's not good enough.   I think I need to learn to love myself again because I'm starting to fall out of love with myself. That by far is the worst thing that can happen.

This is Driving Me Insane! [April 07, 2008 | 01:22 AM] [ mood | crushed ] it's 1:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I hate dwelling on things, but the one thing I hate the most is when I am lied to. I hate that feeling after you are lied to and you think to yourself, "what else have I been lied to about?" I really had a lot of trust in everything that has been said from that point on, but if I get lied to about something as stupid as that. I'm just so blown away and upset. I feel really sick to my stomach about this. I had the funniest feeling and even after I asked "promise you aren't lying?" you just kept going..  This is going to drive me insane.  I'm one of those people you that if I catch you in a lie; you're going to lose my trust. I would rather be hurt by the truth than a lie.  I don't care if you think it will upset me; I just want to know the truth.  I feel really let down, but I guess it is all my fault for being the way that I was. I guess that's my pay back.

[February 03, 2008 | 10:44 PM]  I cannot fucking believe it... the Pats totally blew it. We will probably never have this chance again. I seriously thought it was going to happen.. I thought they would do it... but they didnt. Brady was awful, he was smoked way too many times....Belichick wasnt even paying attention when we were doing awful, too busy talking to the defence. They should have won. I just still cannot believe it... maybe it was a bad dream because it sure feels like it. Blah.. The Green Monster will be going to that Junk Yard in the sky pretty soon.. I need to find a replacement fast! I guess I'll try to sleep/ watch House.

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